MW: 132.6
Fuck.
My bf's parents are vacationing in France. My bf's mom has wanted to go to Paris her whole life so I'm completely stoked that they get to experience that. My bf is on-call for the next 7 straight days at his clinic an hour away. So for the first time in 10 months I'm completely home alone. Scary shit. I've tried to do things all day to distract myself from engaging in unhealthy behaviors but it's all just an effort to delay the inevitable. I went to lunch with a dear friend, watered the garden, sorted the mail, took out the trash, walked my dog, cleaned the house, and took a long shower. I ended up purging lunch. In fact, I ended up purging twice today. I couldn't even tell you what I ate or what it tasted like.
I've been purging a lot at work too. I've been on-call a lot lately so I've been at the clinic by myself. We have cameras that I know for a fact that bosses wife watches the monitors at her home. Doesn't seem to make me care though. It takes all of 7 minutes to purge and clean up so even if she is watching I can just blame it on IBD or something.
I have been exercising more. I take my running shoes and walk or run for 2 hours at the park near my clinic. All that exercise has been canceled out by the late-night binges every night. Cake and chocolate. Probably 800 calories which I CANT purge because everyone is home. It's like I still have bulimic tendencies even without the ability to purge. Disgusting to say the least.
I have completely fallen off the wagon. I don't want to rely on purging to get me through an anxious time. I HATE myself in the morning. I'm usually so frustrated that I starve myself until lunchtime, then end up bingeing with the promises of starting clean tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. Tomorrow never gets here and neither does my goal.
I don't know why I keep purging. Or why I even have the urge to purge. Its not like it's actually enjoyable. I'm usually so anxious to purge at work that I'm shaking and stuttering. Completely distracted from my job which is how mistakes are made. Mistakes in the medical field equates to killing something. I have to stay focused... I WANT to stay focused but can't.
Have I mentioned that I've been drinking whisky for the last two hours? I can't take the quiet. Sick. Sad. :-(
oh no.
ReplyDeletethat's the disturbing part of b/ping to be honest. i had such a horrible time abstaining from purging, but now, i hadn't done it in - a year? i had lost count. honestly, it is one of the most addictive things. you do it once, and your life is screwed over forever. :( i'm sorry you've been purging so much.
honestly, bulimia = living in a state of constant anxiety. i believe that if i was diagnosed at the height of my ED, i'd either be diagnosed with bulimia/purging disorder/EDNOS. my counsellor that diagnosed my depression (college counsellor that is in communication with a psychiatrist) had known about my ED, but she just says "your eating disorder."
but purging is one thing i get. it's just hell. you allow it once, you'll do it again. and oh my god, there's always the whole "oh, i ate ___. might as well eat everything and purge it" because it's an option. fuck. and i'm one of those people that can purge without an aid, and find it painless (double fuck).
:(
i'm sorry you can't take the quiet.
i'm hoping that things get better for you soon.
-Sam Lupin
Aw hun, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with the purging. I can totally relate to needing distractions while home alone to keep away from self-destruction. I know it might seem futile if you're only *delaying* unhealthy behaviors, but even delaying them is a step. Yes, you purged today, but you also went out to lunch with a friend and walked the dog and cleaned, and all these positive productive things you wouldn't have achieved if you hadn't tried to distract yourself. Could you find a TV show or some movies to marathon? I usually find it helps just to have noise in the house, and even better if you can find something that'll suck you in.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself lovely. I hope the rest of your week goes better <3 xx