(trigger warning)
I've been in desperate need of a b/p. Anxiety has just kept building and building lately. I know that a b/p will not make anything better, but it has always been a means to cope. To forget. It takes so much time and energy that I temporarily get to abandon reality. I can indulge in everything that I've been forbidding myself. It's been months since I've actually been able to sit down for a real b/p session.
The reason I'm not going to indulge in a b/p is because I can't. That part of my ED is still kept secret and hidden from everyone. My bf has his suspicions but I've been lying and hiding it from my closest friends and family for 8 years. Lying about why it took so long to take a shower or why I'm throwing out my bedroom trash comes naturally now. I'm not going to give into that temptation right now because I literally can't.
Living with my bf it was easy. I just did it when he was at work. Now that we live with his parents it's much more complicated and nearly impossible. I'm never home alone. I work longer hours than the rest of the family so someone else is always there when I am home. Four adults in a very small house with only two bathrooms. I do purge occasionally but it's not from a binge. Its because something has set me off... something someone has said or done and my head is racing and purging is the only way to change the channel. Recently, I've purged in a Starbucks bathroom after a small coffee and a biscotti. Not a binge by any means but the anxiety of losing control was just too great. The bathroom there is a single-stall and the toilet flushes forcefully so I knew it would be quick and easy. Never a pleasant experience. An awful and humiliating experience.
I'm hungry right now. I'm afraid that if I give in and have just one bite of something it'll turn into an 800-calorie mistake. (Or worse!) So I can't allow myself anything because I know I probably won't be able to stop. And since purging isn't an option, I can't let the binge happen.
I'm going to write down all the food that I want to include in my hypothetical binge to get the thought out of my system:
1. Nachoes, a chalupa, and bean burrito from Taco Bell.
2. Large frapp from Starbucks or a milkshake from McDonalds
3. Brownies with loads of caramel
4. pint of ice cream
5. soft, doughy bread like a soft pretzle or a subway sandwich
6. some sort of fruit gummies
7. granola bars, the kind with the yogurt on top
8. fried chicken sandwich from a fast food place. Large fries with that.
9. snickerdoodle cookies
10. various chocolate bars.
Whew. That's a lot of calories staring back at me. Honestly, I started feeling better when I began writing the second paragraph. By the time I actually got to typing out the food I wanted to eat I struggled to name 10! Most of my binges would include some form of bread, cheese, and chocolate. I haven't really touched cheese in a while! Bread I can savor in moderation. Chocolate is my downfall, which needs to end. Maybe I'll give up chocolate for Lent. Hell, I'm going to give up all sweets for Lent! *big sigh* Seeing all the food in writing has definitely helped me work through the urge. Thanks for listening, anyone who is still reading. What are your binge foods? What do you do to distract yourself from the cake in the kitchen?
oh my God i do not understand you girls' and the fact that chocolate is your downfall. chocolate is safer than an apple for me! apples just bloody freak me out. plus, i have to put sugar on top of them which sort of defeats the purpose of having an apple. i'm trying to cut down on my sugar consumption and see how that goes (not well. not well at all.)
ReplyDeletei wouldn't say 'binge'. but i do overeat like dramatically. when i got into recovery, whenever i did overeat there was always me eating until i'm sick but nowhere near binge standards still. throughout recovery, i've learned to not stuff myself dramatically after i leave a restaurant or something. have to say, it was strange.
but things that make me lose control: anything with a LOT of sodium because i think i'm eating loads of sodium i'm gaining water weight anyway so why the hell not eat a thousand things along with it? i'm trying to get out of that mindset so desperately. also, meats. funny thing. often, i do have the most massive cravings for meat. i'd start craving pepperoni pizza, meatballs, sausages, burgers, etc! i do crave carbs but because my diet is so filled with carbohydrates, i'd rarely ever crave like a muffin or something. and none of the sweet stuff. if i want chocolate, it's mine and in my belly. i don't mind chocolate like i said before. but oh my god, anything with bread, anything with cheese, anything that is filled with salt is my downfall. Chinese food i've not touched in a while! anything with a lot of fat. fucking curries. i'm in love with paneer curries. they are my absolute favourite. last time i went to a buffet, i ate 3 platefuls! *shudder*
if i really want something though, i realised that i'd have a little of it instead of saying "no i won't eat that. it's not good." i realise one thing: the more i ban something, the more i want it. the more likely i am to eat a truckload of it!
-Sam Lupin
I'm glad writing this post helped you work through the urge to binge. Sometimes just sitting down and writing can really help clear our heads.
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't think I've ever binged, though I do sometimes eat without thinking or overeat, by my standards at least. Whenever we have a 'new' food in the house, I simply cannot stop thinking about it, the nutritional count, what it will taste like, how filling it would be, whether it'll be safe or not, and it's horrible. Even if I tell myself I can have a little icecream/a few cookies/whatever for supper, I still obsess over it all day until I have it. After a few bites the craving disappears anyway.
xx
Oh my God. I feel so much less crazy now knowing I'm not the only one who purges just because of anxiety or fearing that a small meal signifies a loss of control.
ReplyDeletePasta is an awful trigger for me. As is tofu. Like, I adore tofu like crazy.