I've lost control.
With my crazy job, my living situation, student loans, and my bf's maniac mother peering over my shoulder every second of everyday... food is the only thing that I can control.
I'm telling everyone that I gave up sweets for Lent which is only partially true. The whole truth is that I'm eating no more than 800 cals per day. There is just no other way that I can regain control. Giving up sweets isn't a lie but a cover-up for what I'm really doing for Lent. It'll force me to appreciate and savor every calorie rather than eat mindlessly while half the world suffers with hunger every day.
I want to do so many things. Start taking my multivitamins everyday. Water, water, water. Or crunch ice. Eat clean. Exercise every day. My intentions are always good to start but I lost motivation the moment someone mentions cake.
Everyday for lent I'm going to post my caloric intake. That should keep me motivated, knowing that I have to answer to someone. It's going to be tricky too. My bf got a temporary position at my clinic so we will be working together everyday. It's good that I'll be seeing him more. Bad that he will be with me during all meal times! I have to be ultra-careful about planning my meals in advance. I've already taken the necessary steps by having a long talk with my bf about wanting to save as much money as possible and not eat out. That'll help the budget and it won't be suspicious when I bring a lunchbox everywhere either.
B: coffee with skim milk and sugar, apple (138)
L: gumbo with white rice (360)
S: roobios tea and nonfat greek yogurt (130)
D: 1 cup Honey-nut cheerios (147)
Total Intake: 775 kcal
"I dread putting on my jeans because each time they are a little more snug." no. wait. no. that is just not okay in my head.
ReplyDeletei've gained a lot of weight as well but most things still fit the same. in fact, my pants that used to fit me at this weight does not fit me at this weight. i can just about barely tell i've gained. don't expect other people to. however, i live in this fear that if i gain anymore, that i'd be able to tell and other people too.
it's weird. i've gained like 4 kilos since my low (about 9lbs) but everything just fits and is the same?
:/ i'm sorry things sound hectic for you, angel! sending you loads of love my way.
"My intentions are always good to start but I lost motivation the moment someone mentions cake." so this is someone like me. dude. cake i can ignore. chocolate, candy, croissants, oh my! (notice how everything not good for you nearly always starts with a C). except carrots. meow.
take care of yourself, bby, okay?
-Sam Lupin
Aww sweetie. I know it doesn't help much right now, but at least part of the weight will just be because you've got a more reasonable amount of food in your digestive system again, and potentially from being more hydrated too. You know how when people first start dieting they lose a lot of weight in the first weeks, and then it slows down of stops? I think the same goes for when you start eating more 'normally' again. That's my logic, anyway.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry everything's so crazy hectic right now. I hope having some more control over your food helps you feel a little calmer. Try to take care of yourself as best you can, mentally and physically <3 xx