Denial

MW: 135.4
GW: 130

I'm sorry for that temporary hiatus. I was completely in denial about what I was eating and how many calories I was racking up. Here is my weekly fresh-start-Sunday post.

I can't believe I'm up to 135 again. Went completely overboard and binged on July 4th. Every day since then too. I feel disgusting and bloated which also translates to worthless in my head. I regretted every bite the moment it was swallowed. Before, even. My conscience kept telling me to stop eating. Push it around or give it to the dog... anything to keep from actually eating it. I ate anyway. Now all that's left is a higher number on the scale and even heavier guilt.

Well, here comes the monthly changing of the dates on my "Stats" page. I have to reevaluate my goals for the month and hope to god that I can reach those same goals over and over again. We have a huge family get-together on the 26-28th. A whole weekend of partying, swimming, drinking, and eating. There's TWO kitchens in the beach house my family rented out... and the menu is terrifying. Maybe being in a swimsuit will deter me from eating. The very thought of being in a swimsuit in front of 60 other people makes me want to crawl in a hole and hide until it's over.

I have 3 weeks to lose 10 pounds. It's going to be a struggle but I just maybe able to manage if I work really hard.

Today for lunch there was some shindig at church. There was LOADS of food. Of course, I got out of most of it because it's all cooked with bacon or ham. I had two or three bites of a few different veggies. For dessert there was cake, brownies, pies, cobblers, cupcakes, pastries, and cheesecake. I chose about a 1/2 cup of fresh fruit and spoon full of cool whip. Overall I'm proud of myself considering how many calories were sitting on that table.

On a side note I really love my new job. The other doctors are really helpful and understanding. Lots of loyal clients. I really hope I do well in the next few weeks (working on my state license). I don't want to fuck this up. I need to do well and prove that I'm worth keeping around as a doctor!

My bf comes home on the 21st after a month of being away! I miss him like hell. Maybe with him around his mom won't focus so much on feeding me!

Lots of work to do in the next few weeks. My daily calorie goal will not exceed 850 kcal and to exercise whenever I can.

Intake:
coffee (100)
assorted veggies (325 and that's rounding way up)
fruit w/cool whip (100)
chicken breast (200)
green beans (40)
small salad (120)
hot tea w/ honey (15)
Total= 900

Exercise:
45 minute bike ride (-220)