Annoyed.

MW: 126.8
GW: 125 by Monday

Things have been alright. I gave up alcohol. Not forever but for now. When I start drinking there's no off switch. I want to just keep drinking until I feel numb. Since its usually on an empty stomach I tend to black out. Its going to end my relationship if I don't stop. I've had the heart-to-heart with my bf about it. He's not as supportive as I would have hoped. He doesn't believe in mental illness (alcoholism, ed's, bipolar, etc). He doesn't understand why I can't just stop at 2 beers. He doesn't want me to be that person. To be honest, I'm not ready to be that person.

Speaking of my bf... he's becoming more and more insistent on me gaining weight. I bet his goddamned mother is telling him shit behind my back. He randomly asked my weight yesterday which totally threw me off. I said, "I don't know, what do you think it is?" He guessed 142. Oh my fucking god. He didn't believe me when I said around 135 so he insisted I get on the scale. He lost his mind when it said 129 (fully clothed, wet hair). "Oh my god, you need to gain weight. 6th graders weigh more than 129! Seriously gain weight!"  He said it jokingly, but it's alarming to know that he is that observant with what I look like. And that he cares enough to stop me from turning into my mom.

Too much going on in my head. I don't want to be my mom. I don't want to put my kids through what my mom put me through with her eating disorder. At the same time, the more my bf's mom pushes me to eat the more I push back. Stop fucking telling me that I need to eat bacon. Fuck you, you shouldn't be eating bacon. Don't complain about how much you weigh than add cream and butter to everything you eat. I've had it with that woman.

This weekend should be easy food-wise. I'm on-call all weekend 6am-10pm so I won't be home for 3 days basically. It's easy to restrict when no one is around telling you that you should weigh more. And it's an easy excuse to lose weight when I'm on my feet 15 hours a day. That's believable.

Today's total is 767 kcal.

I'm going to post pics soon. Before and now.