MW: 128.8
It's been a hectic several days at work! Lots of ill animals. I'm also having issues at home with the bf's mom. She was using derogatory racial terms on Monday and I rolled my eyes at her. She blew up and hasn't spoken two words to me since then. I think four-days of the silent treatment is a little extreme for an eye-roll. Especially since she was being a bigot. My bf told her that she was being rude (which is why she blew up) but he has been working long hours and hasn't been home to see what a child she is being. But what else is new? She really is mental.
I've been averaging 800 cals but I've been exercising daily. Yesterday I walked for an hour and a half just to get out of the house when psycho was there. Luckily it was during dinner time so I completely bypassed eating dinner. I was starving after my walk but didn't eat anything because I didn't want to go in the kitchen whilst she was in there. I eventually fell asleep waiting for her to go to bed!
Wednesday I was so frustrated with the busy workday and the tension at home that I went and binged on fast-food on my way home from working late. I knew everyone would be asleep when I got home so I jumped in the shower and purged. Sometimes that switch just "clicks". I get the idea to b/p and I can't think about anything else until I can do it. I can almost feel that change physically. When I was in vet school it was happening at least daily but since I've had a stable job and moved in my long-time bf it's been happening a lot less. Now, my bf knows that I've had this issue in the past but he doesn't know that I still struggle. I know he gets suspicious because if I go to the bathroom soon after a meal or "shower" soon after dessert he knocks on the door to come shower with me.
My bf is at work all weekend (an hour away from home). It's been a stressful day. I'm really hungry now. All the key elements that would normally get me to b/p. but my bf's parents will be home and they will probably be up late. I just want to stop at several fast-food places and binge. I want to eat for an hour or two and temporarily forget about everything that has happened this week. I just have to remember that the escape is just temporary. It isn't worth the wasted money and it certainly isn't worth the risk of getting caught by my big-mouthed-psychotic-future-mother-in-law. The whole family would know what a terrible person I am, if they don't already.
Why am I so obsessed with being skinny? Why do I want it so bad?? Why do I care? It's obviously not making me happy! What is missing from my life that I feel the need to puke my emotions or starve them completely? I thought I would "grow" out of it at 28. All my friends are living life and having babies and I'm measuring salad dressing on a daily basis. Will I ever just stop caring about weight and calories?
Sorry to hear you're having troubles with the future monster-in-law. It does sound like she's overreacting just a tad. It must be awful to have to live with someone who's always so... I don't even have a word for her.
ReplyDeleteThe pursuit of skinniness will never lead to happiness, as much as we'd like to believe otherwise. I'm only 21 but my friend circles always ran older, and I'm watching all my friends getting married or divorced or having their second kid, and I'm just sitting here living a non-life. My brother, two years older than me, actually just got engaged. That was like a kick in the guts.
Take care hun. Sending lots of love and hugs <3 xx