Challenge

MW: 126.6
GW: 123

Well today started out great.  I planned all three meals. Then, my coworkers wanted to go out for lunch. I got a salad with grilled shrimp. That would have been fantastic to stop there... but when we got back to the clinic someone had brought us a beautiful cake. It is basically a cinnamon bun with loads of sugar and icing on top. I had one slice, then kind of picked at a second piece all afternoon. By the time I got home I felt sick to my stomach. Not full, but I guess all that sugar got to me. My bf's mom (a nurse) and her best friend (also a nurse) were preparing dinner. My bf encouraged me to take a shower to feel better.

I got in the shower and purged. It wasn't even a binge! And it didn't take much effort since I was already sick to my stomach. I don't even know why I did it. Maybe because there were two nurses on the other side of the door and I accepted the challenge. Like a sick game that I knew I could win.

I was hoping that they would be finished with dinner by the time I got out of the shower but they weren't. My bf wanted me to come out and sit with them while they ate. So I sat there like an idiot with my glass of water while they all had dinner. I felt powerful and stupid for not eating dinner at the dinnertable with everyone else.

After dinner, the hot brownies came out of the oven. They all took part in that. I was sitting there watching them eat brownies and play dominoes. I was growing more and more anxious but it wasn't the temptation of the dessert that was the cause. Maybe it was being in front of 8 people in such a small space. Maybe it was the 6th or 7th gay joke that my bf's mom told. Maybe it was the fact that she can never shut her goddamned mouth. Maybe it's the fact that my grandmother was admitted into the hospital with congestive heart failure.

Everything is out of my control right now. Everything just sort of slipped through my fingers in an instant. I'm struggling.