Well, my fiance is working late... again.
I'm home alone... again.
It's the perfect storm to have a drink. I found out some terrible news about a family friend who was involved in a serious accident. She may never wake up. If she does, she may never walk again. The list of things I have to do is miles long and I have no idea how I'm going to pay for everything. I'm home by myself. I can be drunk and sleeping before he ever gets home. He'll never know. Or so that's what I used to tell myself to justify drinking half a liter of whiskey.
This is the third night in a row that I've been home alone. My fiance's parents have even been gone. The pull to drink was aweful the first night. I truly had to white-knuckle it. Just fighting the urge was keeping me awake for several hours. Last night I read several chapters of a book and fell asleep. Tonight is a small urge. Bearable. I keep replaying the scenario in my head of what's going to happen. I'll promise myself one drink. One glass of wine. I won't get a buzz from that because of the tolerance that I've built up over the last several years. I'll go back and begin to feel a buzz between the second and third glass. But that won't hit me fast enough so I'll go for the hard stuff until I wake up in the morning with no recollection of how much I had or what idiotic thing I did in my incapacitated state. That would probably be the end of my relationship and life as I know it if my fiance came home to find me comatose.
It's not worth it. I can fight that urge tonight and I can beat it.
In this moment I don't even want to b/p. I just don't want to be that person... that addict anymore. I truly want to have control over all things. I'll never be able to stop the thoughts to b/p or drink... but I can control what I chose to do with those thoughts.
"You can't stop a bird from flying over your head... but you can keep it from making a nest in your hair."
*Deep breath*
MW: 133.0 (yesterday was 132.2)
Intake: 874
Exercise: 30 minutes walking
Supplements: multi-vitamin, glucosamine, St. Johns Wort
but you'll know. and you don't want to be dealing with the guilt either, kitten. <3
ReplyDelete"It's not worth it. I can fight that urge tonight and I can beat it." you can fight the urge any night. i truly believe this.
i am so sorry that you had such horrible news. it shows you how fragile life really is sometimes, and how strong it is other times. breathe in, sweetie. take care of yourself.
"I'll never be able to stop the thoughts to b/p or drink... but I can control what I chose to do with those thoughts." this is very true. you are in control of your actions, if anything.
<3
-Sam Lupin
PS. i love you.
Oh my god, Scarlett, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I'm not the religious type, but I'll be sending love and hugs and positive thoughts to both her and you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so proud of you for white-knuckling it through those first few days. I'm kinda the same, that if I'm left to my own devices addiction runs rampant. I need constant distractions. Next time you're home alone, could you maybe invite some friends over and watch movies and do girly things? If our time zones weren't all screwy, I'd say we could have a sober girls night in.
You know where this path leads, and I don't think any of us want you to go down there. It's never that simple, but you're doing so well. Baby steps, baby.
" I'll never be able to stop the thoughts to b/p or drink... but I can control what I chose to do with those thoughts."
This is perfect. Which reminds me of a quote I love;
"I am not my thoughts, emotions, sense perceptions, and experiences. I am not the content of my life. I am Life. I am the space in which all things happen. I am consciousness." - Eckhart Tolle
I used to use a shortened version, simply:
"I am not my thoughts, I am not my mind, I am not my emotions"
Thinking of you <3 xx