I have absolutely hit rock bottom this past weekend. I'm the highest weight I've been in years. My drinking has gotten to the point where I'm on the last straw with my fiance. We had one of those "come to Jesus" talks. Almost like an intervention, but he doesn't believe in therapy or medication so I don't know where to go for help.
He knows that I have issues with body image and food. He knows that I purge (but no idea how often). I've lied for so long about everything that I'm not really sure what the truth is myself. On friday night, I drank to the point where I blacked out. I blacked out pretty quickly too. All I remember was drinking 3 glasses of wine. I don't even remember him getting home. When I woke up, I was on the sofa. All the sheets were pulled off the bed. He told me that I had gotten sick all over myself and the floor. He spent two hours cleaning up so his parents would see. Then he uttered the phrase that no one ever wants to hear...."I don't think we are going to make it."
He proceeded to tell me that I have too many issues that I have to work through. He can find someone like me anywhere. He wants to be with someone that he can trust. Someone that won't drink themselves into a coma every night that she's home alone. Someone who won't smell of stomach acid because she puked up her dinner.
He reminded me that I have no one. No one except for him. My family lives 5 hours away and don't make much of an attempt to be a part of my life anymore. My closest friends are an hour away. I literally have no one besides him and it's because I've made him my everything. I begged him for one more chance, which ultimately he gave me.
I am not happy. Our relationship is no longer the fairy tale that it used to be. I feel trapped. Trapped in my job that I dread going to every day. Trapped in this self-destructive behavior. Trapped in a relationship that I have invested 7 years into.
I don't know if I'm unhappy with our relationship or just myself.
I can't shake the feeling that I am absolutely worthless.
I have to make a change. Lots of changes, in fact. I want to change my mind, my soul, and of course my body. I need to blog everyday. This is my only therapy. I have to change... myself.
Todays intake:
B-coffee (74)
L: lettuce wrap and greek yogurt (202)
S: grapes, tea (90)
D: salad w/hummus (284)
Supplements: vitamin, glucosamine, St. Johns Wort
hello, remember me? because i remember you.
ReplyDeletei remember you and i love you.
i think you will. i think this is just a rough patch. i genuinely think you can get over it. i know you can. you abstained from alcohol before and you can do so again, my dear. i am so sorry to see that you are in such a vulnerable and painful position.
i am not sure what he set out by telling you those things. i think he wanted to 'shock' you out of your current drinking habits and whatnot. i am sorry that he said those things regardless.
your relationship can be the fairy tale that it was. it's okay, darling.
find out. breathe in. pick up pieces and see where that leads you, alright?
i am sad you aren't eating well. i know you don't really eat as much as you should most times, but it still gets to me. i just felt like i had to let you know.
on a different note, St John's Wort??? for depression i assume? i hope that your doctor knows you are on it as it effects the CP450 system in the liver, thus making a drug metabolise differently (just on another note). <3
-Sam Lupin
Hello you! It's good to see you post :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you've been having such a tough go of it lately. You don't sound happy at all.
Maybe a silly question, but what's your stance on therapy and medication? It's all well and good for him to not want or need it, but please don't let him stand in the way of seeking help. I wonder if something like AA meetings would help, even just to sit back and listen? I just wish I could reach through the screen and put everything back in order for you.
Try to take care of yourself, okay? Keep us updated <3
xx