GW: 125
Well its been a while. Partially because I'm ashamed that I went so nuts over the holidays and partially because I haven't had a spare moment to update without someone being around. I had absolutely zero self-control over Christmas. I just kept stuffing myself. I gained 5 lbs to prove it. I was even back up to 132 at one point! I've been a little better with the start of the new year but not good enough. My diet is so high in sugar! Why can't I just quit the stuff? I'm well into my 20s... I shouldn't be craving candy after dinner. I stopped drinking diet drinks though, so at least it's a start. I ran 9 miles yesterday too, out of sheer anger. I managed to steer clear of the TWO BUCKETS full of chocolates too. Two dozen doughnuts and I didn't eat any. Maybe a bit of control is creeping back in.
Ever start your period and think "Hmm, that explains a lot." Because that happened to me. It came 8 days early which NEVER happens. I'm always late if I even have one at all. I blame it on all the food over Christmas and the weight gain. At least I know why I've been emotionally unstable. I have such awful PMS. My mood goes from furious to gloomy and depressed in just a matter of minutes. And holy hell, the anxiety! My hands shake. I bite my lip until it bleeds. It scares me how my lows are getting lower. I spoke with my bf about going to see a counselor to talk through some of these low feelings but he was less than enthusiastic.
My mom has had an eating disorder my whole life. She's been to several different psychiatrists. One of which completely screwed her up. (He's in jail now and has since lost his medical license.) I guess my bf doesn't want that to happen to me. I can totally understand where he's coming from. It would just be nice to talk to someone about being unhappy. The reason I'm unhappy is because I live with my bf's nazi control-freak mother. She just has a sour spirit... I wish I could explain that better. The only person I have to talk to about it is my bf and I'm sure he's sick of hearing me bash his mother. To be quite honest, I'm sick of talking about her. I don't know if I should go talk to someone. It would have to be in secret and nothing done secretly is good for a relationship.
On an unrelated note, has anyone seen or tried this stuff in the store? Powdered peanut butter that you mix with water. It's only 45 calories for 2 tablespoons! I'm intrigued. I'm a huge fan of peanut butter but I don't allow myself to eat it anymore because I always get carried away and finish half a jar in one sitting.
If you think you need to see a counselor, please don't let your boyfriend's disapproval deter you. It might be worth making an appointment with your doctor to talk about it and find out what your options are. Talking to someone might really help. If you're worried about keeping it a secret, maybe you could tell him that you're seeing a counselor but can't talk to him about the details 'until you're ready'? Then it wouldn't be so secretive.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that your mom also struggles with an ED. I can't imagine how hard that must be for the both of you.
I don't eat peanut butter, but I've heard PB2 is quite good. Though apparently you need something with it, it doesn't taste good plain on a spoon.
Take care hun xx
the holidays sound insane. but omg, i think everyone let themselves go at holidays! even the ED folks. thankfully for me, all my holidays suck fucking ass and all the food is the same (like literally nearly what we have day to day - the only difference is in the morning, we have a sort of sugary slop made out of vermicilli rice. it's very good but easy enough too avoid!)
ReplyDeletewhy bf
sfd;kgpskgs[gs
"It would have to be in secret and nothing done secretly is good for a relationship." very true statement. plus, the guilt is just not worth it. anyway, that mother of his sounds like she induces a bit of anger anyway
yeah! doesn't exist here. :( but i've heard PB2 is quite good as well. i've heard loads of people talk about how good it is, etc. and especially the fact that there's a chocolate PB2 variant!
i have THREE jars of peanut butter downstairs. le sigh. le sigh. and another one of almond butter. w a n t a l l
-Sam Lupin
Ah.... Christmas.... The perfect chance to binge and gain weight... :(
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear your Mum's struggle with ED. Did you grow up knowing that she had an ED? Do you think that has something to do with your own ED? Just asking cos I heard that eating disorder symptoms can be, apparently, genetic :/ I didn't really believe it until a few years ago I found out that my Mum used to be bulimic too when she was my age. I dunno, that somehow, makes me not want to have any kids in future...lol :p
Omg I'm also a total peanut butter maniac!! Couple of days ago I finished a jar and a half in one sitting... sigh....